Infinitely Worth It

It seems I am in for a rough ride. With food stuck in her esophagus, I took Eva into the ER this evening. Her breathing was fine, but she said there was some pain in her chest and some tightness from the food that would not budge. 

We spent three hours there. An x-ray of her chest was taken and came back negative. A little while later a small styrofoam cup of ice water was received and she drank it down without a hitch. $225 later and a referral to ENT and one to neurology and we were out the door. 

From the ER straight to Insomnia Cookies we went so she could enjoy life a little. Though nervous, I joyfully took her there. I suppose if she dies from choking on a chocolate chip cookie maybe there’s not a better way to go. And who am I to deny my wife one of the very few pleasures left to her?

One of our dogs excitedly jumped up on Eva shortly after we walked in the door. I used to stress about that because of her clumsiness and the danger of her being knocked over. Now it’s far more dangerous. But she still enjoys it and lets it happen, and I will too until she says enough. Another simple pleasure. For Eva, they are in short supply these days.

After several minutes of intense crying, which I allow myself to do as much as the need arises, I showered while Eva finished the rest of her dinner from earlier.

Something about the ER visit has changed me. I previously would’ve spoken out against cookie eating on the way home from the ER after getting some fruit smoothie lodged in her throat. I would’ve yelled at the dog for jumping up on my precious unstable sweetheart, and I would’ve nervously watched her finish the dinner she began hours earlier. 

But not tonight.

I did none of those things. If anything, I only encouraged what seemed like foolish behavior. Something about that ER visit changed me and I just didn’t care. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her. It was that I didn’t care about whatever trauma I might face if any of those situations didn’t end well.

Maybe sometime during those three hours I realized that I cannot remain focused on loving my wife if I am instead focused on the pain that I may have to endure. For most of my life, I have run from pain, only to have it follow me. And my wife is far too precious to me to go back there again.

So let the trauma come. If it is traumatic for me to let go and trust the most amazing woman I know with what brings her the greatest joy in any given moment, let it come.

For my heart is open to receive every arrow in every moment so that I may give her all my love in every moment that she may never doubt for even a second that she is infinitely worth far more than all the love I could ever express.